Step A+Step B – Me=pleasing God. This way of thinking felt like a prison.
When I was a child, I would pat my chest, and say, “I know there’s a God.I know there’s a God.” It was simple, I felt truth in my Spirit. Years after I asked Jesus to be in my heart, I found myself still asking this question. I thought that He would leave, and I would have to re-ask Him again. I remember looking up to the stars, and wondering why He left, why I felt the need to continually wonder if I was saved. I asked my parents later on, and this brought some comfort to my heart…
The “Jesus loves you” encouragement, I frankly started to get tired of hearing. It was actually annoying. The Easter story was like a overplayed song on the radio, but the candy was worth it. Often I found myself doubting it all, it was just a story. And another mold that people are manipulated into.
The cracking point in my trust of God’s goodness was when my Bible teacher said that some were predetermined to be loved by God. We went through scriptures of this, like God loving Jacob but hating Esau. Heated, I asked, “So God loves this classmate, and this one, but not her. He had a magical wand that He could wave as He pleased? This was not the God I want to serve, it made me sick to my stomach actually. What if I was the unchosen one?
Years later I found myself still feeling empty. I discovered that I thought I was God’s grandchild. God does not have grandchildren, He has Sons and Daughters.
About two years ago, I decided I didn’t want to play church. I wanted to encounter Jesus. I couldn’t live with the mindset that we are here to just look forward to Heaven one day, and maybe bring a couple of people with us. I wanted action. I wanted obedience out of love. My husband and I sold everything and moved our family to be trained as a missionaries. The money didn’t come in, and we were asked to leave. This was the hardest thing I ever did, but God met me face to face in my desperation. I felt His presence unlike anything before. But I still felt abandoned. He was “proving” that He loved everyone else who could finish their training, but our family He didn’t show up for. I heard His gentle rebuking voice say to me, “did you ever wonder if I am protecting you from something?” But mainly, “I don’t prove that I love you by giving you what you want, I proved I loved you when I died on the cross for you.” This wrecked me. Who am I to tell God, the creator of this massive universe what to do? So we asked Him where to go next. And He spoke.
I have tasted his sweetness.I heard Him knocking a long time ago. I opened the door. But I didn’t find Him at the door.
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7
I found Him, when I accepted the truth He already found me. We weren’t playing a game. His arms were open wide, they were open to whoever wanted to come and jump in them. I found Him in His promises to me as a Daughter of the King. I found Him in stillness. I found Him in sincerity. He will never leave or forsake me. Eve in my unfaithfulness He is always faithful.