what does Jesus think of me?

May 11, 2011 Category Uncategorized 9 Comments Tags beauty, Bible, Christ, Christianity, God, Gospel, insecurities, Jesus, Life, religion, Religion and Spirituality

It doesn’t matter which translation you use for Song of Solomon 4:7, this is the way Jesus sees us.

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (English standard)

I remember watching Topanga from the TV show “Boy Meets World.”  She was so cool, so hip, so pretty.  At eight years old, I decided that I wasn’t pretty like her, but I could try.  I changed the way I dressed and started parting my hair in the middle.  Shortly after this I decided I was fat, so I started sneaking diet pills and limiting my food intake.  I was very different than the girls at school, I was a size 4 and by 4th grade I had already hit puberty.  When the school nurse came to weigh and measure us, I ran.  How horrifying for all these 80 pound girls to find out I was 120 pounds.

I was often called “boy crazy”, and the boys mother’s did not like me.  Now a mother of three boys, I can imagine how they felt wanting to protect their sons.  I liked having “boyfriends,” it made me feel special, I wanted to marry each one of them.

For years I was sexually abused by a church friend.  The weird part about it was that his unrelenting obsession made me feel wanted.  I thought maybe I deserved it, maybe this was just a part of life.  It was a secret that I hid for many years.

In high school I felt more normal.  I was captain of the cheerleading squad, and continued to have “boyfriends” who acted interested in me, but let’s face it- they were hormone driven teenager boys- they did not share my dream of marriage.  I was nominated at cheer camp  for the All Star Cheerleader…it was a big deal for a cheerleader.  I didn’t make it, and I was devastated.

Self confidence was always a problem for me.  I don’t know why.  It just was.  I would read “Cosmopolitan” and dream of being tall with beautiful long legs and the perfect body- it did dawn on me one day that I was never going to be 5’10- I was just barely over 5 feet and that was not my body type, and never would be.

Image via Wikipedia

When I met my husband, he swept me away in his love.  He made me feel safe, when he looked at me it was like no one else was in the room.  When he told me he loved me, I believed him.  His passion for Jesus was contagious.  I felt God’s love in his arms.  Our love story was like a fairy tale, shooting stars agreed in our declaration of love for one another.  I knew I found my soul mate.

I cried out to the Lord one day, I wanted to know how He saw me.  I was surrounded by people worshiping and asking the same thing.  When my family moved to Hawaii to attend YWAM (Youth with a Mission)- the Lord met me face to face.  I wanted to know my identity, I looked up and written on a girls book was “you are altogether beautiful my love, there is no flaw in you.”  My heart burned in His love, He considers me beautiful.  He sees no flaw in me.

What an amazing revelation, my heart felt free.  It was never about how I looked.  It was never about the empty relationships.  The abuse didn’t matter. What mattered is my identity in Christ.  Do I agree in this truth that He loves me and is fully pleased?  Often I try to fight this, to make myself believe it is fake.   The realization that I am the Bride of Christ.  He has always had intentions to marry me. From the beginning He was in love with me.  Joy wells inside of me as I write this, tears run down my face.  I am not inadequate.  I am full in His love.  There is peace in knowing He sees no flaw in me.

Throughout my life, I wanted someone to romance me.  To sweep me off my feet.  God is the greatest lover of all time.  His words are poetic.  His love is sweeter than honey.  I want to be equally yoked to Him.  I want to share in His lovesick nature for me.  I am so thankful that I do not need to struggle with imperfection.  But to rest in His steadfast jealous love.